Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
