So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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