I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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