you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
