one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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