He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
