Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
