I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You're like the curious george of whores
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
