I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
