I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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