Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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