We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
