so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
