She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
