I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
