Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
