i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
