you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
