More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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