I will die if light touches me.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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