Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize