I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
