Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
