A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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