I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
