Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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