I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
