I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
they call him Oral-B. enough said
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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