You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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