Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
