I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
