Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
