the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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