Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
