I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
