chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
