mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
