I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
