I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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