i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
