ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
