Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize