i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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