If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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