i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
