Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
