Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
