You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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