Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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