I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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