Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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