Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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