We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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