i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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