I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
