...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
