I'm so fucking centered right now
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
