Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
