when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
