You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
